Past (I)
Thanks for the post. But I have the impression that I'm giving an image that I have been so long, that is, coping skills, that I seek, etc, etc ... well, given that you liked the post "Anatomy of a Stuttering " which is a recovery an email, now posting with another email that I wrote when I submit to ttm-l forum there for 2001. So, you will have a more accurate view that I have not always been so determined and so "brave" (I'm still trying to be ...), and if I've changed something, others can also. Yes, I've worked hard, but well worth.
Here you how I felt in 2001.
From: FRSS @ t. ..
Date: Tue Mar 27, 2001 10:17 a.m.
Subject: Who is chirri00? (Presentation)
Hello everyone
I imagine some of you may have wondered who is the so chirri00
. Well, finally it is discovered that such chirri00
to you (although some already know, hey Victor). The chirri00
called Felix, and I'm going to stop writing in third person
.
my stuttering (and no problem) comes from small. I think I know
since I stuttered. That in speaking I have stuck. De
know something and not say, to know a very good joke
not tell it, tell a joke and mess.
it can be very chatty with the girls, to stay in the background.
I have 29 years and I am Mr. Tech in Computer Science (UPM). And I've been working
3 years approx. Vimo and Alcalá de Henares, Madrid (Spain)
seems that everyone who stutter and we are on the list,
're here because we have undergone, or continue to follow a therapy or to get more fluent speech. But before seeking therapy,
I imagine there will come a point where we read: "To
here we come." "Let's take the bull by the horns"
"This can not continue like this (in my case).
about 6 months ago I decided to follow a therapy that
and not take it anymore. Reasons: Work and had also been a continuing tension
, analyzing every word and deed that came out of others.
was in tension whenever quieria say something. And what I said, and were a little critical
, or a look or gesture that was considered negative
me, affected me and affected me a lot. Since I am
not approved by that person. And of course, I am not approved by
my stuttering. And this brings me to a distance when I meet a person
. If you know a person, and after a few
meetings, you know that I stutter. If these meetings I see these "gestures" I start to retract a distance. This does not mean that these gestures are
for me, but I think so. For example, if you're
this person at the bus stop and
not look me in the eyes, they automatically think
not talk to me, and really attentive to the arrival of the bus. I
seems that we ourselves perform these acts and we do not
account. But in the case of not wanting to distance myself from that
person in every meeting I get Nervis, tense, it seems
I 'clouded' the mind and say some stupid things that maybe I had
silent. No I know if I will ever happened, that after a certain time
have met a group of people (coworkers
, class, the 'military'...), me retract a little, and I
much conviction about others, but I would not let me have that confidence with me
with others. Although after a while, I now take
confidence, and are surprised at what I say, do or know.
But mostly I conduct himself, that is, a behavior
not disturb others, but not opinions. For example, in working
two comrades who take a while to get out of
his job to go to eat, and they have que
esperar.Pues
soy incapaz de decirles, que no les esperamos más si no están a la
hora.
Ya que se pueden molestar conmigo. Y no ser aceptados ya por ellos. Y eso, asi vez, me molesta, ya que demuestra un falta de personalidad
tremenda. O que me pidan hacer algo, no saber negarme, aún teniendo
un buena razón. ¿A que tengo el auto-estima en los números naturales
negativos?
Una situación que me molesta bastante, es cuando me atasco
estando
tenso. Donde salir del atasco se convierte, en darse contra un muro,
y
al romper ese muro, te encuentras otro más duro. Y al final en vez
para expresar mi idea, ir del punto A al punto D,(pasando
by B and C).
I went from point A to U, and that from A to B was complicated, and U to
M to return to B and from B to J, J and W, and W to C, and C finally
D. If these points were on one page, would
a horrible scrawl instead of a drawing. And when I am calm,
going from A to D, for A to B, B to C and from C to D, although in some
ocuasiones have to 'lift' the pen of the blade. And this bothers me less or not
not even bother me, because in the end I said what I meant
, and without being tense and emotional at no charge
though I've blocked. But in the case of scribble over
not say what I want, I lock, and the listener is left with a
face of astonishment, anxiety, embarrassment, which also
bothers me and bothers me more. Ever seen anyone to hang?
do you think I'm a fool? and if true, after a while
believe the guy above my asshole, and I'll clear
feeling of inferiority.
probably say I'm missing something, but in general terms,
I think what I want first, before increasing my fluency,
is that inner peace, where the listener a gesture not thomas
into account, and if thomas into account, is for informational purposes, not
me emotionally charged. And where the comments of others are also critical
and reprehensible, and so did not feel that anguish
decirlo.Y to hear things about me, me
not charge me emotionally. And where
talking to someone that I care, no amounts frozen. And where
able to please this person who never indulge, when it is complacent
everyone, myself, yourself.
This is hard, is 29 years with this attitude, and I think
spend another 29 with it. Has begun to decline.
Greetings.
